Abuse is about power and control,
not about passion or love!

Intimate abuse is not just about hits and punches.
It is about psychologically and physically controlling a victim’s use of time and space to socially isolate.
It is an attempt to annihilate the woman’s self-esteem.

Batterers know their partner’s weak points.
Verbal abuse undermines her self-esteem and makes her manageable.

Battered woman my have no special deficits that make them susceptible to getting trapped in an abusive relationship.
The features of the relationship account for the trappings. Picture a bungee cord, the further she gets, the greater the tension to snap back.

Incidents of attempted strangulation and pet abuse often precede intimate partner murder.

If you fear you are being abused, you probably are!!!

Abuse in a relationship usually follows a cyclical pattern

1. Build Up
Tension , demands, feelings of inadequacy and put downs occur.
He plays the “bitch tape”. “She’s a lousy housekeeper.” “She drinks too much.
”His thoughts center on jealousy and sexual infidelity. He spirals upward to a state of rage.

2. Eruption
She always causes it, according to his view of the world.
Verbal abuse is a danger signal just as much as physical abuse.
His rage is out of proportion to what triggered it.
Physical abuse may begin with a shove or a slap and escalate to homicide.
The action releases the pent-up tension which leads to the next phase.

3. Repentance and Forgiveness
When wonderful, often expensive, gifts are given.
The “Honeymoon” phase is overwhelmingly seductive.
The abusers are thoughtful and stress how wonderful the woman is.
She must be responsible for him and their relationship.
“I can’t live without you. I’ll lose my job, or flunk out of college if I don’t have you, because I just can’t concentrate.”
He convinces himself and others that the battering will stop.
He’ll do whatever his wife wants. Temporarily she has all the power.
The woman unconsciously colludes with her abuser in denial.

Cycle Repeats, Over and Over Again
The usual pattern is for the good periods to grow shorter while the others get longer. Trust your instincts, don’t become so educated and steeped in theory that you ignore, or are no longer in touch with your intuition. Eventually, a woman may become beaten down and lose all will to care for herself, or decide to leave the relationship. Now is the time to seek help. Every state has a coalition against domestic violence. They offer many types of assistance that support the abused woman.

Affluent Relationships
The men are usually influential and well-liked in their communities. And, may not follow the cyclical pattern. Women fear the loss of money, prestige and the shame connected with admitting that domestic violence exists. Often these women are not believed by their communities, so no “honeymoon” phase is needed to keep her in the relationship. See Susan Weitsman’s book.

Batterers Display Similar Behaviors

The need to control a partner in an intimate relationship is the root of the problem. Batterers are often described by friends as "nice guys". Remember, he is not out of control if the abuse only occurs in the context of intimacy and typically in private.

He Owns Her
He picks out her clothes. Is he doing it for her or for himself?

He Isolates Her
He isolates her from friends and family. This is to make her more dependent on him. She has no viable support system.

He Makes the Decisisons
He needs to make decisions for his partner. Money is controlled by him, even if she earns it, or it is a gift. Her career and/or job need to meet his approval. The decision to have children lies with him. The children’s behavior and discipline are according to his standards. He forces her to have contact with his friends.

He Wants to Improve Her, Change Her
“Stand up straight, lose weight and don’t drink too much.” He sets goals for her to obtain.

He Expresses An Attitude Of Superiority Toward Women In general
Which may be a façade. She’s not taking responsibility for her share of the relationship She’s not doing what I say. (physically, financially or emotionally). She made me do it, worthless person that she is.
Is his attitude toward his mother, his sister, or a female boss healthy?

Research Connects Abusive Behavior To The Father
Early seeds for abusiveness include:
  Shame, humiliation, embarrassment caused by the father.
  “I love you because you fulfill my expectations, do your duty, are like me,”
  A father that is cool and distant.
  An insecure attachment to the mother.
  A direct experience of abusiveness in the home

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

Batterers are often charming and seek approval from those at work, family and friends.
The public was shocked to learn that the genial, successful O.J. Simpson could be so cruel. We carry stereotypes of batterers as crude and uneducated. We expect hurtful people to look the part. It would make things easier if they did.

Remember, he doesn’t have to look violent. (however we define that)

Batterers fear abandonment
Not Framed as an emotional need, but as a sexual tirad. Use the same four-letter words: bitch, cunt, whore and slut.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Stay physically and mentally fit
Be active in outside activities, join support groups, workout. It helps preserve your self-esteem.

Honestly assess your physical and mental well being for danger signals
If you question that you are battered or not, you probably are.
Has there been a drastic change in your habits or health?
Sleeplessness, over eating, loss of appetite, sleeping too much, extreme fatigue, tension headaches, stomach ailments, allergies, back pain?
These problems may be signaling trouble in the relationship.

Develop a support system
Get to know yourself and your friends and family. Stay in touch with them.

Remember, when you are trying to get away, leave a relationship, get a divorce or are pregnant are the most dangerous times for a woman.
He sees his control slipping away and this brings up feeling of worthlessness and panic.
DON’T be reckless, confrontational, afraid to seek help, or try to provoke him.
Being assertive may increase his rage and your danger.
Have a clear and immediate escape route to safety.
Don’t rely on restraining orders alone. Thy may just make him angrier.
Seek help, you don’t have to do it all alone.

Women get killed when they think they have it all under control
Forget the, “I didn’t want to worry you, I should be able to handle him.”

Affect on those your leave behind or who find out after you have been seriously hurt.

Children of an abusive relationship suffer
Don’t have them to help the relationship. They may become batterers or the battered, continuing the cycle.

Family and friends feel guilt and anxiety
“I should have guessed.”, “What could I have done to prevent this?”, “Why didn’t she tell me?”, “Did she know he was going to kill her?”

Grief and Loss
Their world isn’t safe anymore. Sense of betrayal and loss of a loved one to violence is devastating.

Loved ones must deal with the criminal justice system
REMEMBER, once he has killed you, it is his word, he is the only primary person in the relationship left. YOU ARE NOT AROUND TO CONTRADICT HIM...and there is no libeling the dead!

If you have a loved one or friend in an abusive relationship

Be aware of behaviors that indicate the violence is escalating.

Offer support
Tell the woman what you can realistically do for her.
Drive her to the airport, watch her kids, give her money, find a support group or stay with her.
Listen, give her options.
Help her develop her plan to get out of the relationship.
Remember, she knows what she can do better than anyone else.